Live ChatSergeant Dean Knowles had an epic career in the Army - serving across the world, from Afghanistan and Iraq to Bosnia and Belfast - which he joined to escape a troubled childhood.
But after he left the military, he found civilian life difficult – especially following the death of his brother and collapse of his marriage.
After a suicide attempt, Dean knew he had to get his life on track, for the sake of his little girl Eva: and that's when he reached out to SSAFA.
I was on a slippery slope, becoming someone I didn’t want to be
Dean Knowles joined the military in 1988, following an unhappy and abusive childhood. He felt the Army was an opportunity to begin a new life.
"I come from a broken family, and in the 80s that was difficult. My parents split up when I was 11, we came home from school one day and my mum had left us.
“My dad was left to bring me, my sister and brother up as well as work a full-time job. He obviously struggled, but seemed to manage to make ends meet.
“Unfortunately, he met another woman. She was abusive, mentally and physically. Though my dad knew, she overpowered him, and he didn’t stop it. We had to cope with it for years.
“Eventually, it became too much. One day she beat me, and I was always taught never to hit a woman. I knew I could have stood up and hit her back, but instead I just got up, walked out and walked for five miles to my mother’s house and asked to live with her again. She agreed.
"When I left school and got an apprenticeship as a mechanic in Boston. Although I enjoyed it, and I had a really good boss, I was in a rough area and mixed with the wrong people. I knew things were going downhill and I was on a slippery slope, becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I knew I had to think of my future, so I decided, 'I need to the join the Army.'
“As soon as I got in, I loved it. It was definitely the best option for me.”
It was like there was no humanity.
Dean was 16 when he joined the Royal Anglian Regiment, and served on multiple tours, including Bosnia, Northern Ireland, Iraq and Afghanistan.
"I went to Shorncliffe in Folkestone to the Junior Infantry Battalion for basic training.
“After a year, I joined my unit, the second Battalion, which at the time was based in Germany. So, I went over to Germany, and we got broken down into different companies. I got sent to B company which was the Leicestershire Company.
“From there in 1991, we went to Desert Storm as the war was ending. I served in the anti-tank platoon, and we were based there in case of counter-attack, but nothing happened so we extracted to Kuwait. After three months in Kuwait, we returned to Germany.
“I was then sent to East Tyrone in Northern Ireland for six months and served for six months out there.”
In 1994, Dean was sent to Bosnia to serve as part of the United Nations. Of all his tours with the military, he described it as the most ‘confusing’.
"We were losing people because of landmines and violence. It was one of the worst tours I went on, because we were meant to be keeping the peace and helping people, but we were under constant attack.
“We saw destruction all around, civilians were suffering, but there was no gain. It was like there was no humanity.
“It felt like we lost control of what was happening out there, and we were pulled out and the United Kingdom Land Forces were sent in instead. They took a tougher stance on what was happening out there, and that changed the course of the war.”
Following his time in Bosnia, Dean went back to Germany, which is where his battalion’s operations were run from.
I like to think we made a difference
From there, he served several tours of Northern Ireland, both before and after the Good Friday Agreement.
“It was over the years a strange place to serve, because you exit the big barrack gates and it is like running into your hometown. Everything is familiar and surreal.
“After the Good Friday Agreement, I served in Northern Ireland working on military intelligence. We were a small team based in Belfast.
“Despite the agreement, there was of course still some violence and some issues. There were public order concerns and rioters, especially as the marches continue to take place.
“It definitely became a safer environment after the agreement however, especially for soldiers. Fewer people were killed, and though we still patrolled the areas, it was a softer approach. Visually you saw that as we went from wearing helmets to berets. The atmosphere changed.
“Much of what happens in conflict is down to the politics, but I like to think we made a difference there, because obviously we lost quite a few men out there.”
Dean was posted to Warminster in the UK in 2000 for four years. He was based with the Infantry Demonstration Battalion, from mechanised to light role infantry. A role he really enjoyed. While there he was sent to serve in Belize.
"Belize was probably one of the best times I have had in my military career. I loved the jungle warfare.
“Because I was anti-tank, we also had the chance to trial a new weapon system out, called ‘Triga’. It was a European designed weapon, so the British came together with the Germans, the French, the Belgians and everyone designed different component parts of this missile system.
“Initially we went to do the cold trials, firing in freezing conditions, and then we went to Australia to test it in the heat and other extreme weather.”
We always had to be one step ahead of the enemy.
In 2005 Dean was deployed to Afghanistan for six months. He worked on military intelligence in Kabul.
“I was out on patrols, speaking on local Shuras (a consultative council) and with elders, warlords and secret police trying to get as much information as I could to help the community and keep our men alive.
“Thanks to the information we received, in my time out there, we didn’t lose any of our British troops.
“We changed tactics constantly, and trying to do what we could, in an environment where IEDs were being used everywhere.
“At the time, we had the British, Germans, French and Belgians in our area, so we worked closely with them, and were there to protect them too. We were there to look after everybody. It was a huge task, being responsible for thousands of lives. It was a weight on my shoulders.
“You're constantly trying to anticipate and think ahead and pre-plan. We always had to be one step ahead of the enemy.
“One day while we were out there, we'd been to a meeting to share our intelligence with our European counterparts. We were just about to come out of camp when an IED hit a bus full of German soldiers. Everyone sat in the middle of that impact died and others were injured.
“We were in charge of cordoning off the area and investigating it, knowing that two seconds later, that would have been us. I think that affected quite a few people because of the severity and scale of what happened.”
“I and many like me, spent a lot of our careers thinking, 'That could have been me.'”
I was responsible for training were Saddam Hussein’s former bodyguards.
Dean was sent to Winchester as a section commander for two years, where he trained new recruits, and then moved on to Tern Hill where he was promoted to Sergeant. From there, in 2008 he went to Iraq.
“While in Iraq, it was our role to stabilise the country. My role was to support in training the Iraqi Army, so that they could maintain order themselves.
“We flew out and did acclimatisation training for a couple of weeks, and then we went straight out into the middle of the desert.
“We were in a small camp, training a couple of hundred Iraqi soldiers, the same men, that had previously been trying to kill our troops. We had a target, that we had to get a certain number of men trained in a short space of time.
“While out there, some of the men I was responsible for training were Saddam Hussein’s former bodyguards. They were actually, really nice guys, and were incredibly keen to learn. You could see how good they were.
“I taught them about different types of operations and then went out on the ground with them to make sure they knew what they were doing.
“At any one time I could be alone, with 50 or 60 Iraqi troops, all armed and able to kill me if they wanted to. I always had to have my wits about me. All I had was the pistol on my leg and the weapon on my back.
“Luckily though, I never had trouble, I got on with them all. I spent a lot of time gaining their trust and building a rapport with them.
“I learnt early on in my life, especially after my childhood, that there's always good with the bad. And you could see that with Iraq. Some people would be nice to you, and some wouldn't. And it's just like every environment I've been to.
“While I served there, there were incidents happening every day. There were constant IED attacks and I was lucky that I wasn't subject to any. But in your mind, you always think 'What if? What if? What if?'. You constantly question, 'Is it going to be today?'. Every time you go out, you just don't know if you're coming back. So, it does play on your mind quite a lot.
“Remembrance and Christmas are the hardest. I’ve been through so many tours and I wonder why I made it out of there. I always thought it would be my time, but it didn’t come. And it didn’t matter how good a soldier you were, or how keen you were. You just can’t pre-empt who would be next.
“Me personally, I've never spoke to anyone about that though. I probably should have.”
“For the people who served in Iraq, I don't think they’ll ever forget what they've been through. Some may even wonder ‘what was it all for?’. But we did a lot of good things in that country as a military.
“When people look at the Second World War for example, we mark that every year and people don't forget that. For those who served, Iraq is the same.
“And just like we want to help the people who served during the Second World War, we need to help those who were in Iraq. Some lost a lot. Some are still struggling and suffering because of their time there.
“My worry is that 20 years on, the novelty has worn off, and the public, the media, the politicians have forgotten about the troops who gave so much in that conflict. We should never forget."
And for anyone out there who did serve, and is struggling, please reach out for help. Contact SSAFA because you are not alone.
After Iraq, Dean went to Harrogate as a Platoon Sergeant to train recruits, and then was sent to Australia, to Royal Military College Duntroon, to train officers. He also served in Africa, training Special Forces. After stints in Germany, Cyprus and Canada, he served his last posting in Chepstow, before leaving the Army in 2014. He served 25 years.
“I got married near the end of my career, and that changed the whole dynamics of the work for me.
“I left at the point I knew I could start a new life. So I don’t regret leaving, but I do miss the military.
From that point, I lost a part of myself too.
On leaving the military, Dean secured a job in maritime security, in deployed protection. He spent time overseas working in anti-piracy security – a role which saw him travel to various parts of Africa, Sri Lanka, India and around the Indian Ocean.
He then left the role to help his brother with his struggling engineer business.
“My brother was the only family I had, and the only person who’d been there for me throughout my life. I loved working with him, and the business became a huge success. The problem was he was incredibly ill, and I didn’t realise the extent. He would never let on.
“I was constantly taking him to hospital, and we argued because he was keeping things from me and I wanted my brother back. Eventually, I decided to set up my own firm fitting furniture for large hotel chains, so we could be brothers again rather than business partners.
“One day in 2017, I got a phone call that changed everything for me.
"I was told my brother had been rushed to hospital. He’d had a heart attack, fallen out of bed and cracked his head open.
“I went to him, and still he was saying, 'No, no, no, don't worry about me, don't worry about me. I'm alright.' But in the early hours the next morning he died. I’d lost one of the most important people in my life. The only person who was truly there for me. From that point, I lost a part of myself too.”
At the same time as losing his brother, Dean was going through a divorce. With a two-year-old daughter that he was desperate to protect and be there for. Unable to cope with the enormous loss of his brother and huge change in his life, Dean closed his company down. He bounced from job to job, unable to settle.
“I was just like, 'I've had enough.'”
In 2014, Dean’s daughter Eva was born, though she was extremely unwell.
“Eva was premature, so she was only two pounds when she arrived. She has Downs Syndrome, and was born with holes in her heart. She survived thanks to the oxygen tank, but has needed various operations in her life.
“From the second she arrived I was obsessed with her, and have been ever since. She’ll never realise what she means to me.
“So as things got bad in my marriage, I realised I needed to leave, so she didn’t have to live in an unhappy home. Every penny I had, every part of my pension was in the house, but I just walked away. As far as I saw it, that was Eva’s home. I wanted her to have it. So I left to live in a caravan.”
Dean lived in the caravan for three years, and it became an isolating environment. He would be with Eva as much as possible but he struggled to cope with what he’d been through. An old back injury from his time in the Army re-surfaced and became debilitating.
“In the Army, in an anti-tank regiment, you're carrying a lot of kit and a lot of weight. Because I was an operator for quite a few years, the amount of weight I carried has had a knock-on effect on the base of my spine, so I struggle with the pain.
"I went for a scan and they said that I've got a trapped nerve and still the doctors are deciding if I need an operation. To date, steroids, physio, acupuncture haven’t worked. It is very debilitating.”
After his brother’s death, and tackling all the hardship that life had thrown at him, Dean made a drastic decision in 2018 to take his own life. Luckily he was unsuccessful.
“I was still trying to cope leaving the Army, my marriage broke down, I only saw my little girl every other weekend, my brother had died and I was living in my caravan in pain, unable to sleep.
“One morning I was just like, 'I've had enough.' I had had thoughts before, but I just decided that was the moment.
“I got in my car and drove for 20 minutes to build up the courage, and then I put my foot down hoping to crash. With seconds to spare, I thought about Eva, and then with horns blaring at me I thought ‘What am I doing?’. My little girl got me out of that situation, and she’ll never know. I knew I wanted her to have better parents than I had, and I couldn’t give that to her if I wasn’t around.
“I veered off the side of the road and sat there crying for at least an hour. It felt like the whole day. I felt frozen.
“From that moment I knew I had to sort myself out. Still, all I did was get some medication from the doctors, I still didn’t speak to anyone about what was happening in my mind.”
She secured me a deposit and rent for a flat, and funds for furniture too.
Not long after Dean’s suicide attempt, he reached out to SSAFA. Still struggling with his mental health, and wanting to ‘give up’ with only Eva to keep him going, he contacted SSAFA’s Forcesline in 2021 to ask for help.
“I knew about SSAFA while serving, through charity events and articles in Soldier magazine and things like that. I was always aware of SSAFA, but I wasn't sure how much they could help me.
“I emailed the Forcesline team and they immediately connected me with the branch in Northampton, near where I live.
“I’d been trying to find places to live to get myself sorted, but didn’t have any means to get a place. I was introduced to Gayle, a SSAFA case worker, who jumped into action and helped me really quickly.
“She secured me a deposit and rent for a flat, and funds for furniture too. She arranged for me to have a bed, a settee, a mattress and a dining table. That was so important to me, so I could eat meals at the table with Eva.
“All the time, they thought about what I needed but also thought about Eva through the whole process too.
“Gayle was amazing.
“I didn’t want to reach out because I didn’t want to appear weak, or feel embarrassed. I didn’t want to put on anyone. And I felt that there are people a lot more deserving than me. A lot goes through your mind when you ask for help.
“But Gayle put me at ease. She didn’t really give me time to think too much, she just got things sorted for me. She was fantastic. I think if it weren't for Gayle, then I probably wouldn't have bothered getting to where I am now. I'd probably have just stuck a backpack on my back and lived a homeless lifestyle, running away from my problems. Within a couple of months, I had everything I could possibly need.”
It’s really Eva’s place.
Now Dean is urging anyone else who may need SSAFA’s support, to get in touch.
“I just want to thank Gayle and SSAFA. I don’t know quite how to thank them – but I want to.
“My life is completely different now. It’s going really well.
“I love the flat and it's fantastic because, every time I pick Eva up, she goes mad. She'll always do the sign, Daddy's house, Daddy's house, Daddy's house. I'm chuffed as anything, for me, that's all I wanted. I just wanted her to come somewhere where it's safe and it's nice and we can have fun.
“I could live in a tent and Eva wouldn't care, but for me, I do. I just want to do better for her and have her come to where it's safe. And then she can run around and I can give her 100%. It’s really Eva’s place.
“I am also now a trainee in an MOD scheme which has been really good for me – I'm learning site management construction and will soon be qualified. Lots of veterans are on the programme, so it is great to be around them too.
“I've got a house secured, I've got a decent job that's secure – I couldn’t ask for more. I still have some financial issues to sort and my back still causes me issues, but I am in a much better position than before, especially mentally.
“Out of all the charities that I've ever known, SSAFA is the one I know will always be there for me, and to anyone else in the military family that needs them.
“Like me, a lot of veterans have too much self-pride which makes them reluctant to get help. They may even think they don’t deserve it. But SSAFA think you are deserving, and you are not going to be judged. These volunteers are here to help you, and they can do an awful lot.
“To all the people donating to SSAFA, please keep doing what you are doing. I take my hat off to you. They're investing into a really good charity that has always got an open door and that will always help people.
“I can't recommend SSAFA enough to anyone, not just for what they've done to me, but what they do for everybody else. And the people that invest into the charity, if it weren't for them, then SSAFA wouldn't exist. It’s down to them that people like me are still here.
“The SSAFA case workers are volunteers. That's the other mind-blowing thing about SSAFA, they're not there for the money, they're there because they want to help people. Especially with Gayle - because you know, no task was too tough, and she changed my life.”