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Mum of three Sam Kendall describes the SSAFA Short Break she attended with two of her children and her husband, Chris, at the Lake District Calvert Trust as the best holiday their family has ever had, by far.
Sam wants to share her family’s story to bring attention to the impact of SSAFA’s services and thank the charity’s supporters for making SSAFA Short Breaks possible.
What's the point doing things together to have this at the end of it?
Sam and Chris’ teenage daughter, Bethany, has autism. Because of this, some of her behaviours and needs make it difficult to plan and take trips that the whole family, which includes younger brother Jacob and older sister Emma, can enjoy together.
"We don’t really do much as a whole family," Sam says, "because Bethany gets very overwhelmed and will have outbursts of shouting and screaming." Sometimes because of Bethany’s masking, the family can get through a day or event with little upset. But once home where Bethany feels safe, overwhelmed emotions can come out of her. Sam often feels like asking, "What's the point doing things together to have this at the end of it?"
When Sam heard about SSAFA Short Breaks, she decided to apply for their family with the hope of attending. The programme provides activity breaks for serving families, including reservists, who have a child with a disability or additional need. During the programme families enjoy activities including kayaking, hiking, abseiling, and rock climbing with inclusive support from Calvert Trust staff.
Having experienced the Short Break, Sam brims with enthusiasm for the programme, which gave the family memories to treasure and a new confidence in their own abilities.
SSAFA was really helpful and supportive and that's really how we got involved.
Sam and her husband, Chris, met 12 years ago when he was stationed at RAF Waddington in Lincolnshire. Shortly after getting together Chris got a posting to Scotland. Though the relationship was in its very early stages, Sam made the big decision to accompany him, moving her two daughters with them.
"Chris took on Emma aged five and Bethany aged one as his own," Sam shares. "He was 24 and had no children himself, it was a huge thing for him to take on. And then in 2015 we had Jacob, which completed our family."
Without a military connection prior to meeting Chris, Sam hadn’t heard of SSAFA until their family started living on the station at RAF Marham, after relocating from Scotland. There, SSAFA helped support a variety of youth activities which helped familiarise Sam with the charity.
"We got to know the team there really, really well, more as friends than as an organisation," she remembers.
Later, when the family was at RAF Waddington, the HIVE helped connect them with SSAFA when Sam recognised the Bethany would benefit from some additional support after Jacob was born.
Recalling the woman, Lena, from SSAFA who helped the family, Sam says, "She used to come over once a week or every other week, and would take Bethany out, just for an hour which gave me some down time with my other two children.
"Bethany thought it was fantastic because Lena would take her to McDonald's or somewhere like that. Bethany would ask, "When is that lady coming again to take me to McDonald's?” She thought it was brilliant. It meant she got a bit of attention, pure attention for an hour, which she needed. And really liked it."
SSAFA was really helpful and supportive and that's really how we got involved.
It was a fight to get the help and support and to get the diagnosis.
"I’ve known since she was two that there was something," Sam explains. "It was obvious to me as Bethany would be really fascinated and obsessed with certain things. With her behaviours and emotions, she would always be in fight or flight all the time, but she was very good at masking this."
The family’s efforts to obtain referrals and have Bethany assessed were unsuccessful for years. Despite being turned away repeatedly, Sam and Chris continued to advocate for Bethany. They went to the MOD Medical Centre several times to be told “It’s your parenting style”, “You are the problem”, “You clearly haven’t bonded with your daughter”, “You need to attend a parenting course.”
"It was a fight to get the help and support and to get the diagnosis," she remembers.
"It wasn’t until we moved to the school here in Lincoln that her teacher noticed something about Bethany and said, “I think there’s something here.”" Sam remembers crying in front of the teacher as she couldn’t believe someone had noticed the same things as her and that they believed Sam.
"That was when we got the full assessment, though it was a year waiting. And then we found out."
"When we went into the assessment I said to Bethany, “Just be you. Don't pretend to be anything. If you want to say something, just say it. Don't hold anything back or pretend.”
"When we had the phone call from the paediatrician, she said to me that Bethany is high on the scale we use to assess the level of autism. After been told she had autism I felt a mixture of emotions. Happiness that we finally knew what it was but also anger towards the many GPs and children’s services who blamed me as a bad mother," says Sam.
After receiving the diagnosis, nothing changed in the form of receiving help. In fact, Sam was told by the paediatrician to look online for help. Sam felt deflated by this as she felt she had to do more searching for help, but she came across a great local charity group where she received lots of support and Bethany even joined their tennis group.
"The diagnosis for us didn’t really mean anything because we’ve always known. But to Bethany, it meant a huge deal because we’ve always tried to separate her behaviour from her as a person."
Bethany’s autism can make some of her words and actions blunt or hurtful to those around her. Sam explains, "It means she is more often than not in a fight or flight emotional state. Meaning even if something good or exciting happens, she will have an overload of emotions and run at 30 thousand feet and climbing unless she is helped to regulate it."
Bethany’s diagnosis meant a lot to her and has shaped how she and the family understand her behaviours and needs.
"Telling Bethany it was autism was a big weight off her shoulders. I think her words were something like, “It’s not me then?” and I said, “No, it’s not. It is autism. It is just how your brain processes things and that’s okay.”’
"I think she likes having autism," says Sam. "It makes her a little bit different, and she always tries to educate people at school about it. She’ll do talks to her class, or she’ll write poems about it."
Bethany is also an advocate, watchful eye, and helping hand for those who may need some extra help. "She likes looking after the underdog as well," Sam describes. "Any other child at school that’s got any other additional needs or something where they need some extra help, she seems to stick up for them and take them under her wing."
As Bethany, now a teenager, grows and matures, she has become more aware of her feelings. Sam says that Bethany will now talk about her feelings more. "She’ll ask, “So why did you say that to that person?” I will then explain how words can be hurtful if we say them in certain ways. She is now able to sometimes put that into practice when she’s talking to someone."
Short Breaks answered the questions before Bethany asked them!
Bethany’s autism has made it more difficult for the family to plan and enjoy holidays together. Prior to attending the SSAFA Short Break, they had never even considered going on an adventure holiday. But when they heard about the Short Breaks programme, they thought they’d give it a try.
"Finding Short Breaks was all just by chance. I didn’t see a poster or an email. Chris must have picked something up because of his job," Sam explains. "I just sent an email to SSAFA and then we filled in a form."
The Kendall family was invited to attend a SSAFA Short Break at the Lake District Calvert Trust in summer 2023. Their oldest child, Emma, decided not to attend out of preference, but the holiday provided siblings Bethany and Jacob and parents Sam and Chris an experience unlike any they’d had before.
The holiday, in a space and setting centred on inclusion, opened new doors for all of them.
With her autism, Bethany can struggle with uncertainty or change, which makes traveling as a family particularly difficult. However, SSAFA Short Break staff design and conduct the programme especially for serving families with children with additional needs. This level of consideration and planning made all the difference for the Kendalls.
"The whole thing from getting all the information honestly was great," praises Sam. "When we got the email confirming it all, there was a little attachment that I got the kids to read because it was aimed at them. It explained it all, talking directly to them: “This is what it’s going to be like. Here's a photo of what the main entrance looks like when you get here. This is our team. Anyone in these T-shirts are people that you can talk to. This is what your bedroom might look like. This is the kind of food that we do.”’
This level of information was perfect for Bethany. As Sam describes, "They answered the questions before Bethany asked them! Because she’s very much “How? When? Where? Why? I need to know what time. I need to know what’s on offer. I need to know how that’s going to happen,” and I don’t have the answers often, which upsets her. This was fully drawn out, which was brilliant."
Such consideration and care continued throughout the trip, allowing the family to make the most of the experience without the weight of planning. "When we got there, it was very organised and we got to meet our team leader. I’m an organiser type of person, so I was almost out of my comfort zone! But I enjoyed that as well," laughs Sam.
It was really nice: the fact that we were able to just say things and not be judged.
SSAFA Short Breaks provided an environment for the Kendalls in which the family, both parents and children, could be themselves without judgment.
"Normally even a happy change for Bethany is just too much, and we were fully expecting night one to have feelings of overwhelming and a meltdown. But because she’d had that introduction, she’d seen the pictures, and it was a holiday, she just took it in stride. Even when we came home, we thought "These next two days are going to be tough as Bethany comes down from the holiday," but we didn’t. Bethany managed the whole trip with relative ease and any worries or problems that resulted in tears of anger, the staff handled it so well and worked with her."
The whole family felt this sense of freedom and relief. Talking about Jacob and Bethany, Sam remembers, "They got to do things that we would never do. Why would I take my family on high ropes? It’s just going to end in arguments, usually. But at the Short Break there was no pressure on us having to make sure other people don’t think "Oh, she’s just a little madam and she’s kicking off." There was none of that. So, the pressure on us was just gone. Normally, we’re shushing her or telling her, “No, you can’t say that. No don’t do that,” or “You’ll be okay.”"
Without having to be concerned with other people’s judgment, the lack of pressure was freeing, encouraging people to participate as they wanted to.
"I think that’s why Bethany gave it all a go," says Sam, "because there was no pressure. If she wanted to sit out, she could. She just got on with it and no one judged, and no one looked at her. No one said anything.
"She didn’t do the high ropes because that was a bit too scary, but some of the photos I’ve got from the low ropes of me helping her out, she’s got the biggest smile on her face because she was adamant that she wasn’t doing it, and she did!"
Apart from the structured activities, Sam also enjoyed talking freely with other parents who share a connection of having a child with additional needs. "It was really nice," she describes, "the fact that we were able to just say things and not be judged. Because sometimes we say things and other people will think “You can't talk about your child like that!” But sometimes you want to say, “She really, really pushes me to my limit and I can't cope.”"
"‘A few of us had quite a few heart-to-heart chats about things and about how it affects us. It's always about the children. This was quite nice when they were off playing, doing things and we could talk quite openly about how hard it is sometimes and how hard it is to have a child with autism."
Listening to other parents also helped Sam to think about shared experiences amongst the families. "I think it was that bit of a re-grounding because I find it hard in my situation and they find it hard in their situation. But it was quite interesting to know that we all deal with it the same regardless of whatever level of autism or additional needs they have. And it was just a nice safe space."
Sam’s husband, Chris, who is based away from their family, was able to connect with other serving parents. "He quite enjoyed being able to openly talk about how hard it can be living away from us all and knowing that I've got to manage all of this on my own," Sam shares.
We had just done the orienteering after the bikes, and they were both walking back to the hut, and they held hands just naturally without been asked.
For Sam, the highlight of the Short Break was a memory that still touches her heart when she thinks about it.
"Honestly, the best part of it, it makes me well up thinking about it," she confesses. "Bethany and Jacob are brother and sister, with five years between them and a love, hate relationship. If something's wrong, she'll step in and she'll look after him. But most of the time, it's “Go away, smelly little thing.”
"Bethany has a thing about touching. She'll hold our hands, but other things she doesn't want to touch."
"But when we were there, we had just done the orienteering after the bikes, and they were both walking back to the hut, and they held hands just naturally without been asked. I couldn’t stop smiling and felt tears welling up because they’d just spent a lovely day all together doing challenging things and they held each other’s hands. Although it hasn’t happened since!" Sams laughs.
"Just seeing the two of them walking together holding hands is one of the best memories. It was just lovely seeing them together and actually wanting to be together and seeing them both really confident in what they were doing."
Words just don't honestly say it, do they? They don't say it enough.
The Short Break helped the Kendall Family create memories they treasure. Now, they want to thank SSAFA and its supporters who make the adventure breaks possible for families like theirs.
"It's the only holiday that we talk about as much, we would all love to go back there and do something like that again," Sam declares.
"So, a massive thank you to all of those that do put into it, because it honestly is the best thing I've ever done. My husband and I have done a fair few amazing things, but this little week away with our kids tops everything.
"Words just don't honestly say it, do they? They don't say it enough."
Sam wants to ensure that SSAFA supporters know the difference they make by supporting the charity’s programmes and services.
"Often you give to charities, and you never know where it goes to. I think it's really important to let whoever they are that donate know what amazing opportunities they really do give families.
"SSAFA Short Breaks allow for such a safe space. You don't get these things in days out or a cinema trip. To have this whole four nights away was absolutely incredible."
Moving forward, the positive experience has sparked an idea for the family of what adventures might be possible for them. "It's given us the confidence to try something like that without it being in an organisation like Calvert Trust" says Sam. "It’s given us the confidence to give it a go together and for us to be a little bit more “just go with it”."
Last year the Kendalls packed up their campervan and drove to France on a five-night holiday visiting Paris and Disney. Sam says, "It was amazing! We don’t think we would have done this if it hadn’t have been for the confidence we came away with after our SSAFA Short Break."
Sam says they are planning their 2024 adventures!
